Zen Heart

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The Zen Heart is a Melting Heart...

personaltao.com

The Zen Heart has crashed itself along the hard shores of life so many times...! It has completely disintegrated, and become one with ALL life.

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You can have attitudes about anything. Once you have attitudes, your innocence is destroyed and those attitudes start controlling you. Zen is neither for anything nor against anything. Zen says whatsoever is ordinary is good. To be ordinary, to be a no one, to be a nothingness, to be without any ideology, to be without character, to be characterless...

When you have a character you have some kind of neurosis. Character means something has become fixed in you. Character means your past. Character means conditioning, cultivation. When you have a character you are imprisoned in it, you are no more free. When you have a character you have an armor around yourself. You are no more a free person. You are carrying your prison around yourself; it is a very subtle prison. A real man will be characterless.

What do I mean when I say he will be characterless? He will be free of the past. He will act in the moment according to the moment. He will be spontaneous; only he can be spontaneous. He will not look back into the memories for what to do. A situation has arisen and you are looking in the memory - then you have a character. Then you are asking your past, "What should I do?" When you don't have any character you simply look into the situation and the situation decides what has to be done. Then it is spontaneous and there is response, and not reaction.

- OSHO

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Oh... Um... About me...

I still cannot believe I have been living with paralysis.

I am so grateful to have my Tui Na healer get to it and work it out! By this time I have consulted nine doctors who could do nothing.

I have felt degrees of paralysis throughout my life, starting when I was about 7. You see, it is all generated by anxiety. My body cannot conduct adrenaline correctly.

But I know the left side of my head and face have been paralyzed for at least four years.

The most difficult part about this? It feels like I am living with a concussion. I have had to get used to the sensation of living like this, you know? The world is perpetually-warped and slanted. That includes the faces of people here. Strange smells are in the air, burning my eyes. Animals talk in their own painful languages and such.


It's very Bosch and Van Gogh. (I would say, on the good days it's more, Van Gogh.)

I believe my spirit refuses to take any more shit from people. I believe it's my spirit's way of protecting me, keeping me from bringing that weird, untamed energy into myself.

I feel things... I internalize. When I was young, people would tell me I'm psychic. Then I trained as a psychic and taught workshops and helped people for many years.

My feeling is, they should try it for themselves sometime.

I feel my spirit loves her inner world here. If I can share some of that with others, that's a bonus. And if someone can share with me? That's the icing on the bonus.

I am a practicing Buddhist. I am all about intention, and peace. I was born and raised Catholic. I became interested in Buddhism in my 30's. I took my vows when I turned 35. It has helped!

You see, no one can see anything wrong here. To some extent I am still expected to function as if I am "normal" - unless I start telling people. I can always count on being met by denial.

I have had to learn how to talk around it, inside and upside down in it, bust it down, break it out, and penetrate through all kinds of discussions of it... To the point I can't see straight; I hate talking anymore.

This has been the greatest hurdle living with this condition - how society would want me to normalize the abnormal. I hate that. I think sensitive people have a tough time, in general. Many become smokers, many try to protect themselves with food, and layers of fat. Nothing is normal; everything and everyone is unique. So it is inhumane to normalize the abnormal. You have to stop and DECIDE how much energy you are going to put into situations. Then you have to stand your ground, because people are still in denial and will try to coerce you.

I think I was always an angry person because of this. I'm sure I'm not the first.

As I approached my 40's the anger began to harden me... To the extent it could have killed me if I let it! I'll be 50 this year. I don't know what happened to my 40's. My doctors say it is more difficult to manage this condition as people get older.

Doctors have tried to talk me into viewing this condition as being something else... Every medication we tried made me feel violent. My body has to run her own energy. It is an adrenaline-heart-brain thing. I knew all this when I was 14!

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We have to learn how to be very careful, very gentle, and walk softly on the planet. We have to understand what pressure is, and not abuse it! Is that so hard?

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I know Jim Morrison was very hard on his body... He used drugs and drank; it was his way of coping with this same condition. He used to have panic attacks in High School. He often passed out on the floor in the hallways. He had severe panic attacks on stage, too. You know, I think of him as the big brother I never had? I am sad to have never had the chance to see him in person. People said he was a shaman.

Well, I think he just went about his death a little quicker, that's all. He was trapped in a lifestyle, trapped in his ego. He wanted to live, and live blatantly in the face of conformity. He did not want to be a hypocrite.

He was outrageous. He didn't know how to get out of it before it was too late! I know, he tried. The world forces us to get caught up in things - and that becomes fate. I'm sure he wouldn't have done it any other way.


When you live with a condition like this? You're not allowed to have an ego. The only thing you are allowed to have is reality. A lot of people can't deal with it, so they just choose to check-out.

You have to be as honest with yourself as possible. That includes your limitations, your desires, the supposed gifts and "talents" you think you have, which others encourage you to pursue - you have to learn these things don't and can't define you.

You have to conduct a ritual of stopping often, looking in the mirror, and checking with yourself to see if you're lying. You have to become extremely present with the idea that you're human... A human-being, not a human-doing. Or no one will help you.

That's what I know about me.

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P.S. Ray, Happy Birthday!

Medicated Heart

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This image is of an "inflamed" heart. As you can see, it is swollen; the dark clouds around it could represent congestion or depression. Because of the swelling, it is fiery; the sort of heart that is aching for relief.

Also, I think it is interesting to consider, the thorns around the heart are full of dis-ease. So as you can see, a crucifix is coming down into the heart, to give it some relief. This crucifix is a Gift from God. Certainly, it could be the discovery of some new sort of medication, much needed for the situation. For without this help, the muscles of the heart and above the heart would begin to contract and become knotted. That's already happening here.

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This image below is
a typical depiction of a Sacred Heart,
being inducted by God's Gift.

As you can see, there's a weeping "eye" in there... It is closed and resting.

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I am very lucky to know many people from various cultures, who have blessed me with their knowledge and resources. This is how I found my Tui Na healer. She works on the farthest reaches of the city, and I must go far to see her. She learned her skill in Vietnam. Because she is not a licensed practitioner, she only takes donations. There is a kindness about her I see in very few people. Even though she is younger than me, there is something about her that reminds me of my mother, when Mom was young and loving. She is sincere and very cute, with freckles on her face.


"I only help the people as long as they are in pain," she explained. "Then I tell them, no more, because I get afraid..."

"Of course," I said. "You would have to stop working on them... Because people should learn how to take care of themselves. If they are in pain, they will respect you. If they are no longer in pain, they will just use you."

This looks like how I feel before a session...
(See how Lon Chaney also has a bit of a sinus problem?)

Then she gets on top of me with her entire body weight... She begins to knead the paralysis out of my face and neck with her knuckles. Pushing it slowly, like stiff, frozen meat, down through the chi lines of my arm or leg, she takes it out through my fingers and toes.

The toe-part is the most painful! She will grab me by the pinkie, pick me up, and shake my entire body by the pinkie, beating me against the floor while I am screaming "ow!! ow!! ow!!" After which she "breaks" it out of me. The suddenly all the paralysis goes "snap" - out of my pinkie toe - and is gone, forever.

Perhaps "ow!" is the universal language? Or have I got it all wrong? (It's supposed to be "Om", not "Ow!")

So far I have had 6 half-hour sessions with Loi. Early this year, we were surprised to find, my tonsil was paralyzed. It was pulling on all the muscles above my heart. It was putting pressure on my brain.

When she went in and got all that stuff out of me, I wept bitterly. I just couldn't believe how much hatred and anger I was holding there.

How is it, my doctors could not detect any of that?

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Lord, I've got to be careful about not liking doctors... It's giving me a bad attitude! I was stressed out during that last pap-smear, God. The doctor was so up-tight!! She was making her assistant nervous; the assistant was shaking, then she couldn't get the sample into the sample jar. Then, the doctor later bawled me out for talking to her assistant. (I'm not sure I should go back.) It's too bad for them I have some standards, Lord!

Please give me some guidance on this... No one is quite like that great Japanese residential doctor I had! He was handsome! He also smelled like apple blossoms. At least, Jesus, he had a clue as to what was wrong! He was kind, he was professional. He was a great listener, attentive and sweet. Remember when I made him cookies...? He said he couldn't accept them, for professional reasons. Still, he was honest at all times. He put his ego aside and actually admitted to the limitations he had, as a medical scientist. He gave me options and alternatives. Everyone at the hospital adored him, Jesus; it was because he is adorable. I watched him Lord... He treated everyone equally, with the same respect and dignity.

Help me, Jesus, to uphold this criteria for anyone who needs to get all-up into my life. Amen.

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Smoker's Heart

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This is actually one of the original, older images of the Sacred Heart of Christ. As you can see, the painting style was done with old-fashioned paints, no longer in use; you will find this style in images of the Lord done prior to the 1960's. Please note, the crucifix ascending out of the top of of the heart. This is an interesting addition.


Just yesterday I listened to a blurb on television... That the addictive part of smoking is the nicotine, and not the actual smoking. (I will touch on other substances in later posts.) The real danger that occurs to the heart is inducing it with smoke. The crucifix could be symbolic of self-medication, through nicotine; however smoking is an equal and opposing action which breaks down the integrity of the heart.

With it will come such things as congestion, bacterial infections, and yes, cancer. So the TV discussion advised people to purchase things like nicotine pads and gum to help get their nicotine.

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This week I went to see my Tui Na healer... I have been living with paralysis on the left side of my face and head for at least 3 years that I'm aware of. (It doesn't just happen over night.) Loi is getting the last remnants of paralysis out of me. This week she went into my body through the back of my neck (again), working intensively to move the chi out of the set of muscles that allow us to move our heads up and down. She got my jaw completely unlocked (after 9 years). What surprised me was, how much I wanted a cigarette! And I don't smoke!

But it was a shock to feel some real sensation of relaxation going through that muscle tissue. It reminded me of how pleasurable it used be, to be out with friends having a beer or two, and ask for a cigarette from someone. I clearly understood why it is, occasionally, people feel they want and need to have a cigarette.

But hey! What can I say? At this point in my life???!! I am just happy to be able to move - and do it without any real pain.

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God,
surely You can guide us
to better resources
to help us resolve
our pleasure and pain issues!
Help us
to master our lives
in such a way that we
are not slaves
to the things that bind us.
In Your name,
Jesus, I ask.
Amen


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All-Consuming Heart

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Here is another interesting tattoo I found on the web... As I began to photoshop the image, I found myself contemplating the spiritual meaning behind the idea of an All-Consuming Heart. I think of this as an All-Consuming Heart, because it is simply taking too much energy into itself. So at a very basic level, it is burning itself out, from the inside out.


Here in the first sample, the heart is showing some health and vibrancy in it's color, however it is evident the heart is trying as best as it can to manage various levels of stress.

Again, in some alternative forms of healing, we look at what is going on with the "chi", or the energetic of the heart. As you can see, it is a little blocked at the top where the flames of power are barely able to keep the blood-flow going; it's wings are spread, but barely uplifted or moving.

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Now, with a little change in colorization (which looks more like the original tattoo design) you can witness the degenerate aspects of a heart under a lot of stress. For one thing, the thorns around the heart become more prominent, making the design look tighter, more squeezed. The blood-flow, the chi, are becoming blocked to where there is not enough blood circulating through the heart, and it's wings have become heavy. (Of course, this is all symbolism.) It is an interesting metaphor for what we can do to our hearts with different levels of stress.

Heart-stress can come, for example, by just trying to manage stress. Some people will use caffeine as a quick-resort to making a shift in the energy there. Caffeine actually has the effect of tightening the chi-flow even more. This not only begins to create a shut-down in the heart, it also affects the integrity of the muscles around the heart... To the extent that a person begins to pressure down on their own bodies, physically, with their arms and shoulders, to try and get some feeling of control. This is dangerous. It can result in things like a locked-up neck and jaw, and also paralysis, if not tended to.

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The best thing for a heart in this condition is... Surround yourself with positive people. Begin the process of clearing the negative junk out of your environment... Including bad relationships; people and situations that seem to hold you back; old clutter, things that keep you locked to the past.

Check out your environment for any possible thing that might be causing allergies. If it's your cat, find your cat a new home. Maybe it's time quit that job? If your boss is a big old bitch, go work at MacDonald's. Find another major in college. Change to a better adviser. See if you can get help at home with the children. Say "no" to your adult children who are just using you for money. Insist they move out.

Start asking God about how to release your guilt. Seek professional help around how to get free of your guilt.

Think about a total change of lifestyle. Start cutting back on the over-load by getting lots of sleep, lots of rest, and lots of fresh air. This heart is screaming for some real attention!

Choose to stop participating in things you don't enjoy.

Choose to let people know you refuse to participate in any conversations that invade your privacy or process.

Get clear.

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God, help me to become more aware of when I am over-tasking myself.
Give me the courage to let go, and let You take over!
I trust You to help me be a good steward of my own heart, Jesus. Amen.


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