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The Zen Heart is a Melting Heart...
The Zen Heart is a Melting Heart...
personaltao.comThe Zen Heart has crashed itself along the hard shores of life so many times...! It has completely disintegrated, and become one with ALL life.
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You can have attitudes about anything. Once you have attitudes, your innocence is destroyed and those attitudes start controlling you. Zen is neither for anything nor against anything. Zen says whatsoever is ordinary is good. To be ordinary, to be a no one, to be a nothingness, to be without any ideology, to be without character, to be characterless...
When you have a character you have some kind of neurosis. Character means something has become fixed in you. Character means your past. Character means conditioning, cultivation. When you have a character you are imprisoned in it, you are no more free. When you have a character you have an armor around yourself. You are no more a free person. You are carrying your prison around yourself; it is a very subtle prison. A real man will be characterless.
What do I mean when I say he will be characterless? He will be free of the past. He will act in the moment according to the moment. He will be spontaneous; only he can be spontaneous. He will not look back into the memories for what to do. A situation has arisen and you are looking in the memory - then you have a character. Then you are asking your past, "What should I do?" When you don't have any character you simply look into the situation and the situation decides what has to be done. Then it is spontaneous and there is response, and not reaction.
- OSHO
Oh... Um... About me...
I still cannot believe I have been living with paralysis.
I am so grateful to have my Tui Na healer get to it and work it out! By this time I have consulted nine doctors who could do nothing.
I have felt degrees of paralysis throughout my life, starting when I was about 7. You see, it is all generated by anxiety. My body cannot conduct adrenaline correctly.
But I know the left side of my head and face have been paralyzed for at least four years.
The most difficult part about this? It feels like I am living with a concussion. I have had to get used to the sensation of living like this, you know? The world is perpetually-warped and slanted. That includes the faces of people here. Strange smells are in the air, burning my eyes. Animals talk in their own painful languages and such.
It's very Bosch and Van Gogh. (I would say, on the good days it's more, Van Gogh.)
I believe my spirit refuses to take any more shit from people. I believe it's my spirit's way of protecting me, keeping me from bringing that weird, untamed energy into myself.
I feel things... I internalize. When I was young, people would tell me I'm psychic. Then I trained as a psychic and taught workshops and helped people for many years.
My feeling is, they should try it for themselves sometime.
I feel my spirit loves her inner world here. If I can share some of that with others, that's a bonus. And if someone can share with me? That's the icing on the bonus.
I am a practicing Buddhist. I am all about intention, and peace. I was born and raised Catholic. I became interested in Buddhism in my 30's. I took my vows when I turned 35. It has helped!
You see, no one can see anything wrong here. To some extent I am still expected to function as if I am "normal" - unless I start telling people. I can always count on being met by denial.
I have had to learn how to talk around it, inside and upside down in it, bust it down, break it out, and penetrate through all kinds of discussions of it... To the point I can't see straight; I hate talking anymore.
This has been the greatest hurdle living with this condition - how society would want me to normalize the abnormal. I hate that. I think sensitive people have a tough time, in general. Many become smokers, many try to protect themselves with food, and layers of fat. Nothing is normal; everything and everyone is unique. So it is inhumane to normalize the abnormal. You have to stop and DECIDE how much energy you are going to put into situations. Then you have to stand your ground, because people are still in denial and will try to coerce you.
I think I was always an angry person because of this. I'm sure I'm not the first.
As I approached my 40's the anger began to harden me... To the extent it could have killed me if I let it! I'll be 50 this year. I don't know what happened to my 40's. My doctors say it is more difficult to manage this condition as people get older.
Doctors have tried to talk me into viewing this condition as being something else... Every medication we tried made me feel violent. My body has to run her own energy. It is an adrenaline-heart-brain thing. I knew all this when I was 14!
We have to learn how to be very careful, very gentle, and walk softly on the planet. We have to understand what pressure is, and not abuse it! Is that so hard?
I know Jim Morrison was very hard on his body... He used drugs and drank; it was his way of coping with this same condition. He used to have panic attacks in High School. He often passed out on the floor in the hallways. He had severe panic attacks on stage, too. You know, I think of him as the big brother I never had? I am sad to have never had the chance to see him in person. People said he was a shaman.
Well, I think he just went about his death a little quicker, that's all. He was trapped in a lifestyle, trapped in his ego. He wanted to live, and live blatantly in the face of conformity. He did not want to be a hypocrite.
He was outrageous. He didn't know how to get out of it before it was too late! I know, he tried. The world forces us to get caught up in things - and that becomes fate. I'm sure he wouldn't have done it any other way.
When you live with a condition like this? You're not allowed to have an ego. The only thing you are allowed to have is reality. A lot of people can't deal with it, so they just choose to check-out.
You have to be as honest with yourself as possible. That includes your limitations, your desires, the supposed gifts and "talents" you think you have, which others encourage you to pursue - you have to learn these things don't and can't define you.
You have to conduct a ritual of stopping often, looking in the mirror, and checking with yourself to see if you're lying. You have to become extremely present with the idea that you're human... A human-being, not a human-doing. Or no one will help you.
That's what I know about me.
Y
Y
Oh... Um... About me...
I still cannot believe I have been living with paralysis.
I am so grateful to have my Tui Na healer get to it and work it out! By this time I have consulted nine doctors who could do nothing.
I have felt degrees of paralysis throughout my life, starting when I was about 7. You see, it is all generated by anxiety. My body cannot conduct adrenaline correctly.
But I know the left side of my head and face have been paralyzed for at least four years.
The most difficult part about this? It feels like I am living with a concussion. I have had to get used to the sensation of living like this, you know? The world is perpetually-warped and slanted. That includes the faces of people here. Strange smells are in the air, burning my eyes. Animals talk in their own painful languages and such.
It's very Bosch and Van Gogh. (I would say, on the good days it's more, Van Gogh.)
I believe my spirit refuses to take any more shit from people. I believe it's my spirit's way of protecting me, keeping me from bringing that weird, untamed energy into myself.
I feel things... I internalize. When I was young, people would tell me I'm psychic. Then I trained as a psychic and taught workshops and helped people for many years.
My feeling is, they should try it for themselves sometime.
I feel my spirit loves her inner world here. If I can share some of that with others, that's a bonus. And if someone can share with me? That's the icing on the bonus.
I am a practicing Buddhist. I am all about intention, and peace. I was born and raised Catholic. I became interested in Buddhism in my 30's. I took my vows when I turned 35. It has helped!
You see, no one can see anything wrong here. To some extent I am still expected to function as if I am "normal" - unless I start telling people. I can always count on being met by denial.
I have had to learn how to talk around it, inside and upside down in it, bust it down, break it out, and penetrate through all kinds of discussions of it... To the point I can't see straight; I hate talking anymore.
This has been the greatest hurdle living with this condition - how society would want me to normalize the abnormal. I hate that. I think sensitive people have a tough time, in general. Many become smokers, many try to protect themselves with food, and layers of fat. Nothing is normal; everything and everyone is unique. So it is inhumane to normalize the abnormal. You have to stop and DECIDE how much energy you are going to put into situations. Then you have to stand your ground, because people are still in denial and will try to coerce you.
I think I was always an angry person because of this. I'm sure I'm not the first.
As I approached my 40's the anger began to harden me... To the extent it could have killed me if I let it! I'll be 50 this year. I don't know what happened to my 40's. My doctors say it is more difficult to manage this condition as people get older.
Doctors have tried to talk me into viewing this condition as being something else... Every medication we tried made me feel violent. My body has to run her own energy. It is an adrenaline-heart-brain thing. I knew all this when I was 14!
Y
We have to learn how to be very careful, very gentle, and walk softly on the planet. We have to understand what pressure is, and not abuse it! Is that so hard?
Y
I know Jim Morrison was very hard on his body... He used drugs and drank; it was his way of coping with this same condition. He used to have panic attacks in High School. He often passed out on the floor in the hallways. He had severe panic attacks on stage, too. You know, I think of him as the big brother I never had? I am sad to have never had the chance to see him in person. People said he was a shaman.
Well, I think he just went about his death a little quicker, that's all. He was trapped in a lifestyle, trapped in his ego. He wanted to live, and live blatantly in the face of conformity. He did not want to be a hypocrite.
He was outrageous. He didn't know how to get out of it before it was too late! I know, he tried. The world forces us to get caught up in things - and that becomes fate. I'm sure he wouldn't have done it any other way.
When you live with a condition like this? You're not allowed to have an ego. The only thing you are allowed to have is reality. A lot of people can't deal with it, so they just choose to check-out.
You have to be as honest with yourself as possible. That includes your limitations, your desires, the supposed gifts and "talents" you think you have, which others encourage you to pursue - you have to learn these things don't and can't define you.
You have to conduct a ritual of stopping often, looking in the mirror, and checking with yourself to see if you're lying. You have to become extremely present with the idea that you're human... A human-being, not a human-doing. Or no one will help you.
That's what I know about me.
Y
P.S. Ray, Happy Birthday!
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