Zen Heart

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The Zen Heart is a Melting Heart...

personaltao.com

The Zen Heart has crashed itself along the hard shores of life so many times...! It has completely disintegrated, and become one with ALL life.

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You can have attitudes about anything. Once you have attitudes, your innocence is destroyed and those attitudes start controlling you. Zen is neither for anything nor against anything. Zen says whatsoever is ordinary is good. To be ordinary, to be a no one, to be a nothingness, to be without any ideology, to be without character, to be characterless...

When you have a character you have some kind of neurosis. Character means something has become fixed in you. Character means your past. Character means conditioning, cultivation. When you have a character you are imprisoned in it, you are no more free. When you have a character you have an armor around yourself. You are no more a free person. You are carrying your prison around yourself; it is a very subtle prison. A real man will be characterless.

What do I mean when I say he will be characterless? He will be free of the past. He will act in the moment according to the moment. He will be spontaneous; only he can be spontaneous. He will not look back into the memories for what to do. A situation has arisen and you are looking in the memory - then you have a character. Then you are asking your past, "What should I do?" When you don't have any character you simply look into the situation and the situation decides what has to be done. Then it is spontaneous and there is response, and not reaction.

- OSHO

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Oh... Um... About me...

I still cannot believe I have been living with paralysis.

I am so grateful to have my Tui Na healer get to it and work it out! By this time I have consulted nine doctors who could do nothing.

I have felt degrees of paralysis throughout my life, starting when I was about 7. You see, it is all generated by anxiety. My body cannot conduct adrenaline correctly.

But I know the left side of my head and face have been paralyzed for at least four years.

The most difficult part about this? It feels like I am living with a concussion. I have had to get used to the sensation of living like this, you know? The world is perpetually-warped and slanted. That includes the faces of people here. Strange smells are in the air, burning my eyes. Animals talk in their own painful languages and such.


It's very Bosch and Van Gogh. (I would say, on the good days it's more, Van Gogh.)

I believe my spirit refuses to take any more shit from people. I believe it's my spirit's way of protecting me, keeping me from bringing that weird, untamed energy into myself.

I feel things... I internalize. When I was young, people would tell me I'm psychic. Then I trained as a psychic and taught workshops and helped people for many years.

My feeling is, they should try it for themselves sometime.

I feel my spirit loves her inner world here. If I can share some of that with others, that's a bonus. And if someone can share with me? That's the icing on the bonus.

I am a practicing Buddhist. I am all about intention, and peace. I was born and raised Catholic. I became interested in Buddhism in my 30's. I took my vows when I turned 35. It has helped!

You see, no one can see anything wrong here. To some extent I am still expected to function as if I am "normal" - unless I start telling people. I can always count on being met by denial.

I have had to learn how to talk around it, inside and upside down in it, bust it down, break it out, and penetrate through all kinds of discussions of it... To the point I can't see straight; I hate talking anymore.

This has been the greatest hurdle living with this condition - how society would want me to normalize the abnormal. I hate that. I think sensitive people have a tough time, in general. Many become smokers, many try to protect themselves with food, and layers of fat. Nothing is normal; everything and everyone is unique. So it is inhumane to normalize the abnormal. You have to stop and DECIDE how much energy you are going to put into situations. Then you have to stand your ground, because people are still in denial and will try to coerce you.

I think I was always an angry person because of this. I'm sure I'm not the first.

As I approached my 40's the anger began to harden me... To the extent it could have killed me if I let it! I'll be 50 this year. I don't know what happened to my 40's. My doctors say it is more difficult to manage this condition as people get older.

Doctors have tried to talk me into viewing this condition as being something else... Every medication we tried made me feel violent. My body has to run her own energy. It is an adrenaline-heart-brain thing. I knew all this when I was 14!

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We have to learn how to be very careful, very gentle, and walk softly on the planet. We have to understand what pressure is, and not abuse it! Is that so hard?

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I know Jim Morrison was very hard on his body... He used drugs and drank; it was his way of coping with this same condition. He used to have panic attacks in High School. He often passed out on the floor in the hallways. He had severe panic attacks on stage, too. You know, I think of him as the big brother I never had? I am sad to have never had the chance to see him in person. People said he was a shaman.

Well, I think he just went about his death a little quicker, that's all. He was trapped in a lifestyle, trapped in his ego. He wanted to live, and live blatantly in the face of conformity. He did not want to be a hypocrite.

He was outrageous. He didn't know how to get out of it before it was too late! I know, he tried. The world forces us to get caught up in things - and that becomes fate. I'm sure he wouldn't have done it any other way.


When you live with a condition like this? You're not allowed to have an ego. The only thing you are allowed to have is reality. A lot of people can't deal with it, so they just choose to check-out.

You have to be as honest with yourself as possible. That includes your limitations, your desires, the supposed gifts and "talents" you think you have, which others encourage you to pursue - you have to learn these things don't and can't define you.

You have to conduct a ritual of stopping often, looking in the mirror, and checking with yourself to see if you're lying. You have to become extremely present with the idea that you're human... A human-being, not a human-doing. Or no one will help you.

That's what I know about me.

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P.S. Ray, Happy Birthday!

Pop Heart

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I've got my heart
on the pulse
of everything new and exciting...!
(I sometimes forget
to take care of myself, because of it.)
But I will turn you on the newest raves and beats,
the funnest dances, the most groovin' trances,
the best places to get some eats!

I'm crazy and gay; I get confused about my sexuality. I always need outlets... I started with painting, drawing and art?? But I get impatient. I have lots of energy to burn! It's a good thing - because I could get FAT! Maybe all the crap I eat is part of the problem? We're all gonna die, anyway!

Somebody said I should get myself a dog. I'm not too bad of a writer, but I'd rather be playin' or singin'. I'd rather be shoppin', ya know? If I go shopping, can I take a dog with me? I can't do all I do and go around looking like shit!! I need to stay on top of it... Get some decent, rockin' shoes for dancing - some body paint, some make-up - yea! Some glitter! It's also time for some new music!

My mom and I used to be pretty close; I don't know what happened to my dad. Mom always wants to hang out with me and my friends - I'm not cool with that. I guess I'm just a free spirit!

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God,
it's important to have something
to believe in, isn't it?

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Choose Your Isms
(just add an "ism" to the word)

animalism humanism hetrosexualism RACISM feminism specieism stigmatism separatism ethnicism culturalism pluralism socialism nationalism patriotism dominism sadism Catholicism masochism sexualism homophobism authoritarianism lesbianism PREDJUDISM elitism anarchism republicanism baptism MARXISM mentalism retardism impressionism geneticism schism fanaticism alcoholism AMERICANISM vampirism militarianism authenticism bohemianism militantism moralism fetishism OCCULTISM pessimism moralism ageism vegetarianism consumerism commercialism dogmatism ritualism

Y Y Y conformism Y Y Y
(it's FUN! Isn't it?!)

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Civil Servant's Heart

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Never be afraid
to show compassion over judgment...

Funny how this tattoo image looks more like something ancient, say, a Grecian Urn? I love the strength and power coming through it, emblazoned by the fiery yellow. This shows a person of intense willpower, a fighter. The sort of person who would wear this image is interested in social justice, exploring ways to help one's self or others fight for their rights at all costs.

The key of course, is about what's going on in the person's heart. If it is vice, chances are efforts will be sabotaged, or backfire. In this case, the person is pushing too hard by being mentally stubborn. So chances are, he or she is running on anger, panic, or defensiveness, and turning people off - shutting them down. People don't listen to panic and defense; they try to take action, or avoid you, instead.

There was a day you really hated someone; but in spite of that, they came through for you.

There was a day you felt betrayed by someone; but later they returned and helped.

There was a time you refused to cooperate, only afterwards realizing, you must change.

The heart is all about taking us out of our attitudes, into a higher vibration.

It's called Law of Attraction.

So, a responsible civil servant has an intimate need for understanding compassion. Judgment is a hard thing to cope with and work through. Sure, we need our private ways of using discretion to keep the nasties from hurting us; but we don't need to be jerks about it. Everyone has to do what they do to put the Scales of Justice back into balance; but if we are confused, lost, irrational, there are people out there to help us. Not everyone is an enemy. Who was the first person to judge? Or was it just a sense or a feeling we were given that blocked the way? Sometimes, when we are not getting compassion, we have to ask for it.

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Dear God, show me the way
to replace my judgment with compassion,
starting with myself.
If I have been walking around in knee-jerk reactions,
easily taking offense to everything going on,
help me rise above the paranoia.
Keep me surrounded by Angels, Dear God,
until I get through this.
Please help to make this passage quick!
Amen.

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Martyr's Heart

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The Martyr's Heart is a Heart that Never Forgets

Another fascinating tattoo, this image shows the crucifix coming through the heart as a stake! The thorns of the heart are suspended as a kind of "halo" around the puncture wound. Here, our hard lessons of pain become our crowning glory, the things that shape and define us if we so choose. Yes, then it is possible to become a bleeding heart in life... For we must otherwise make the commitment to let the past die.

The type of soul who would be attracted to this design has had many lifetimes of being martyred, perhaps even innate memories of being suspended next to Jesus, or being with Jesus during His hours on the cross at Calvary. Perhaps this person's consciousness is blocked, missing the true redemption of Christ's Resurrection.



This personality must be careful not to inflict his or her victim attitude into the environment, for it becomes an endless circle (the thorns) of futility.

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I'll Never Let You Forget

Perhaps
if you loved me a little more
we wouldn't be
in this predicament.
After all I have sacrificed -
all I have done
for you.
And what good is it?
When you are a repeat offender
coming back time and again
only to use
and take advantage of
my kindness?
My back aches
and my wrists don't work,
my feet are locked and won't move...
But I will try
to help you, anyway.
I'll never let you forget
me.

I should learn to say no,
but you would go
out of your way
to haunt me,
pester me with your pleading
'til I am nothing more
than a bleeding
mess.
Even still?
I'll take you back.

It feels good
to reduce to you a beggar.

It feels good
to make myself feel better
by keeping you dependent...

Coaxing, prompting
enticing you to be anything
but brave.

I'll never let you forget me...

For I Am the Master here!
And you, my naive one,
(so naive)!
Are my slave.

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Medicated Heart

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This image is of an "inflamed" heart. As you can see, it is swollen; the dark clouds around it could represent congestion or depression. Because of the swelling, it is fiery; the sort of heart that is aching for relief.

Also, I think it is interesting to consider, the thorns around the heart are full of dis-ease. So as you can see, a crucifix is coming down into the heart, to give it some relief. This crucifix is a Gift from God. Certainly, it could be the discovery of some new sort of medication, much needed for the situation. For without this help, the muscles of the heart and above the heart would begin to contract and become knotted. That's already happening here.

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This image below is
a typical depiction of a Sacred Heart,
being inducted by God's Gift.

As you can see, there's a weeping "eye" in there... It is closed and resting.

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I am very lucky to know many people from various cultures, who have blessed me with their knowledge and resources. This is how I found my Tui Na healer. She works on the farthest reaches of the city, and I must go far to see her. She learned her skill in Vietnam. Because she is not a licensed practitioner, she only takes donations. There is a kindness about her I see in very few people. Even though she is younger than me, there is something about her that reminds me of my mother, when Mom was young and loving. She is sincere and very cute, with freckles on her face.


"I only help the people as long as they are in pain," she explained. "Then I tell them, no more, because I get afraid..."

"Of course," I said. "You would have to stop working on them... Because people should learn how to take care of themselves. If they are in pain, they will respect you. If they are no longer in pain, they will just use you."

This looks like how I feel before a session...
(See how Lon Chaney also has a bit of a sinus problem?)

Then she gets on top of me with her entire body weight... She begins to knead the paralysis out of my face and neck with her knuckles. Pushing it slowly, like stiff, frozen meat, down through the chi lines of my arm or leg, she takes it out through my fingers and toes.

The toe-part is the most painful! She will grab me by the pinkie, pick me up, and shake my entire body by the pinkie, beating me against the floor while I am screaming "ow!! ow!! ow!!" After which she "breaks" it out of me. The suddenly all the paralysis goes "snap" - out of my pinkie toe - and is gone, forever.

Perhaps "ow!" is the universal language? Or have I got it all wrong? (It's supposed to be "Om", not "Ow!")

So far I have had 6 half-hour sessions with Loi. Early this year, we were surprised to find, my tonsil was paralyzed. It was pulling on all the muscles above my heart. It was putting pressure on my brain.

When she went in and got all that stuff out of me, I wept bitterly. I just couldn't believe how much hatred and anger I was holding there.

How is it, my doctors could not detect any of that?

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Lord, I've got to be careful about not liking doctors... It's giving me a bad attitude! I was stressed out during that last pap-smear, God. The doctor was so up-tight!! She was making her assistant nervous; the assistant was shaking, then she couldn't get the sample into the sample jar. Then, the doctor later bawled me out for talking to her assistant. (I'm not sure I should go back.) It's too bad for them I have some standards, Lord!

Please give me some guidance on this... No one is quite like that great Japanese residential doctor I had! He was handsome! He also smelled like apple blossoms. At least, Jesus, he had a clue as to what was wrong! He was kind, he was professional. He was a great listener, attentive and sweet. Remember when I made him cookies...? He said he couldn't accept them, for professional reasons. Still, he was honest at all times. He put his ego aside and actually admitted to the limitations he had, as a medical scientist. He gave me options and alternatives. Everyone at the hospital adored him, Jesus; it was because he is adorable. I watched him Lord... He treated everyone equally, with the same respect and dignity.

Help me, Jesus, to uphold this criteria for anyone who needs to get all-up into my life. Amen.

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Teenage Hearts

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Teens have a lot of needs!
Teens need more than just "things" - like ipods and footballs and cell phones...

Teens need to have fun, and be silly.

Teens need things
like buckets of paint and clay,
good shoes to play.
They need art, cartoons, culture
and concerts, dancing, proms and movies...
Costumes, instruments and MAD magazines.
Every teen needs privacy and personal space,
personal grooming, a zit-free face.
They need diet, nutrition
and yummy snacks, too.
They need sleep-ins and camping,
and rest from the flu.

Teens need to learn by
travel and study;
seeing life on the other side
of the fence.
They need mentors to teach them,
good educations,
so they don't act stupid
out of ignorance.

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Give teens
tools and information to become empowered!!
Teach them, talk to them
about things like
meditation, sex education, stress management.

Teens need to be treated
like human beings, not human-doings.
Teach teens about human "being",
and they will find dignity in their lives.

Teens go through so many changes
in such a short time!
Teens need hugs.
Teens need to understand self-defense,
so they won't go to strangers
for love.

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Dear Little Child of God,
I have seen you living the street; blasted out of your mind; wandering the city; lost, unable to find the peace that can only come from inside. I pray for you.

We live in these times where there are no more excuses, where judgment is only a form of blame. It's such a waste of time, for no two people are the same.

If you need help, ask and seek actively; God's light is always unique.

No need to play by society's"game"... Don't get bent-out of shape, or kiss-butt or put gravity into the pain.

Make it your aim to stay light.

Decide today to start living your TRUTH! Come clean and be who you are! Start taking your power, degree by degree. God's promise is to help you get free.

Being judgmental shapes attitudes...

This is why people are frightened, self-serving and rude.

With the right focus, ask for what you need. Live simply and honest, choose not to serve greed. There are plenty of treasures to be shared all around! Just keep your heart light, and your feet on the ground!

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